What to Text Your Ex (and When Not To): 14 Honest Examples

Short answer: before you write a word, decide what you want from the reply. Closure, friendship and “let’s try again” need three completely different texts, and most messages to an ex fail because they try to do all three at once. The best first text is short, low-pressure and easy to answer: “Saw the taco place we used to go to has a line around the block now. Hope you’re doing well.”

If you can’t name the goal in one sentence, don’t send anything yet.

What’s actually going on

A text to an ex is never read neutrally. Whatever you write, they will scan it for the subtext: do they want me back, are they lonely, are they drunk, are they about to reopen something I closed? Your job is to make the subtext match the text, so there’s nothing to decode.

There are three honest reasons to reach out, and one dishonest one:

• Closure. You want to say something that didn’t get said, or end things on better terms. This text asks for nothing.
• Friendship. You genuinely miss the person, not the relationship, and enough time has passed that seeing them won’t reopen the wound.
• A second chance. You want to try again, and something real has changed since the breakup — not just how lonely you feel on a Sunday.
• A hit of attention. You’re bored, hurt, or just saw their new partner on Instagram. This is the one that produces the regret-at-2am texts, and it’s the one to recognise and skip.

Timing matters as much as wording. If the breakup was recent (under a month or two), nearly any text reads as “I’m not over it.” If you’ve been in no contact for a while, a light first message is far easier to receive than a heavy one.

What NOT to send

• “I miss you.” As a first message it hands them all the weight and gives them nothing to answer except a yes or a no.
• “Can we talk?” Ominous, vague, and it makes them brace for a two-hour conversation they didn’t agree to.
• “Hey stranger 👀” Reads as fishing. They’ll know exactly what it is.
• Anything after two drinks. If you’d hesitate to send it at 11am, don’t send it at 1am.
• A paragraph re-litigating the breakup. Nobody has ever been argued back into a relationship over text.
• Anything about their new partner. No good version exists.

Copy-ready texts

For closure

I’ve been thinking about how things ended and I wanted to say I’m sorry for my part in it. No need to reply — I just didn’t want it left unsaid.

I hope you’re doing well. I’m grateful for the time we had, even if it didn’t work out. Wishing you good things.

I was harsh the last time we talked, and you didn’t deserve that. I’m sorry.

These work because they ask for nothing. “No need to reply” is the most generous line you can write to an ex.

To test the waters for friendship

Just heard [song/band you both liked] is touring again and thought of you. Hope life’s good.

Random, but your cousin’s bakery just got written up in the paper. Congrats to her!

Walked past [place] today and it made me smile. Hope you’re well.

A shared, specific memory plus a neutral wish. If they reply warmly and ask a question back, the door is open. If they answer politely and stop, it isn’t — and that’s an answer too.

If you want to try again

Only send these if something real has changed — therapy, a move, the habit that ended things — and you can say what it is.

I’ve done a lot of thinking since we split, and I’ve worked on [the specific thing]. I’d love to get a coffee and hear how you’re doing, if you’re open to it.

I don’t want to make this weird, but I still think about us. Would you be up for a drink this week? Totally fine if not.

I know I didn’t show up the way I should have. I’ve changed some things. If you’d ever want to talk, I’d really like that.

Each one names a small, concrete next step (a coffee, a drink) and gives them an easy way to say no. That combination is what makes the text feel safe to answer.

Replying when they text first

Good to hear from you! Things are good here — how have you been?

Ha, I remember that. Hope you’re doing well.

Match their energy, don’t exceed it. If they sent two lines, don’t send eight.

Timing

• After a recent breakup, wait. At least a month of real no contact, longer if it ended badly. Texts sent in the first weeks are almost always about your feelings, not about them.
• Mid-morning to early evening on a weekday is the least loaded time. Late-night texts to an ex read one way only.
• Birthdays and holidays are fine for a one-line wish — “Happy birthday, hope it’s a great one” — but not as a launchpad for a longer conversation.

When to stop

One unanswered text is an answer. Don’t send a follow-up asking whether they saw it. If they reply briefly and don’t ask anything back, close warmly (“Glad you’re well!”) and leave it there.

If they’re in a new relationship, the only acceptable text is a closure text, and only if it asks for nothing.

And if the conversation does restart, keep the first meeting short and in daylight. Coffee beats dinner; dinner beats “come over.” For the texting side of that first plan, see how to set up a date over text, and if the old thread ran dry before, how to restart a dead conversation.

FAQ

Should I text my ex? Only if you can name a goal — closure, friendship, or a genuine second chance — and you’d still be fine if they didn’t reply. If you’re texting to feel better tonight, wait until tomorrow and ask again.

What is the best first text to send an ex? A short, specific, low-pressure message that doesn’t require a big reply: a shared memory plus a neutral wish, like “Walked past our old coffee place today and it made me smile. Hope you’re well.”

How long should I wait before texting my ex? Give it at least a month of real no contact after the breakup, longer if it ended badly. Texting sooner almost always reads as not being over it.

How do I text my ex to get them back? Name what has actually changed, propose one small, easy step like a coffee, and make it easy to say no. Pressure and nostalgia alone rarely work.

My ex didn’t reply. Should I text again? No. One unanswered message is a reply. A second text turns a kind gesture into pressure.

Is it okay to text an ex on their birthday? Yes, as a one-line wish with no follow-up question. It’s a courtesy, not a way back into the conversation.

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Not sure how your message will land? Charm reads the actual situation with you — how things ended, what they last said — and helps you word a text you won’t regret.